After spending so much time perfecting the novel, the indie author must then perfect the most important sales pitch: the blurb. Readers have little clue, if any, as to how difficult and stressful this stage really is. Here’s what your favorite–weary–author secretly wants to write in place of the blurb:
“Something exciting happens in this book. Read it to find out what it is!”
“I have spent the last nine months perfecting 130,845 words and I don’t have the patience to fuss over 75 more words.”
“Just read the book. It’s good, I promise. I’ve read it over 9 times myself so I should know.”
“This is book three of a continuous series. I have purposely crafted books 1 and 2 so that you would be DYING to read this one, so it needs no introduction. And if it DOES need an introduction it’s because you haven’t read the first two books of the series. Don’t be a dolt! Start at the beginning. FYI The first book has a real blurb.”
“This book is as good as the cover makes it look.”
Leave the back blank with the instructions:
“After reading this book, please fill in the section below with your own personal summary of the story.”
And at the bottom of the blank section write:
“It’s not so easy now is it?”
“If you’re one of those people who will read the backs of lotion bottles while sitting in the bathroom, pick up this book. I guarantee it’ll be more exciting and you clearly aren’t the picky sort, so why should you care what the story is about?”
For Romance novels:
“If it looks like the two people on the cover fall in love, it’s because they do. Read the book to find out how and what their names are.”
“I bet you don’t read the labels on your food as much as you read the blurbs for a book. Shouldn’t you be more concerned about what you’re putting in your mouth than what you’re reading?”
“The celebrities that were talked into saying nice things about my book have all agreed that it’s the greatest I’ve ever written. Who cares what it’s about? Trust a celebrity and buy a copy today!”
“You’re one of those who peeks at their Christmas presents, aren’t you? Shame on you!!”
Lol I hope you enjoyed this look inside an author’s brain.
And authors, I’d love to hear from you! Which of these examples are you tempted to put on your next release? I’ll be honest and say that the one about Book 3 of a series not needing an introduction was what my tired little heart wanted to put on my upcoming release. 😉 But don’t worry. I’ll grab myself a cup of tea and write something awesome…eventually.
And please, feel free to add to my list in the comments below!!
Christian Author: A.M. Heath 
omigosh, Ain’t it the truth! I feel so accomplished to be getting near the end of the edits and then I have that moment of terror!! OH NO I STILL HAVE TO WRITE THE BLURB!
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EXACTLY! I was helping another friend with her blurb and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was about to have to do the same thing. Urg. But it was in that moment that this post was born. 😉
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It takes a village. I write my ‘best shot’ at a blurb, and then I offer it up for dissection with my blog-mates and they are an incredible help–offering suggestions and telling me what isn’t working. We also brainstorm titles. But I do like your blurb suggestions. I might try a
‘fill in the blank’ blurb one of these days.
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Lol Thanks! Take it if you want it. Lol I like the fill in the blank one too. Most people struggled with book reports in school, and I think people often forget that even we authors struggle here too.
And I’m a big supporter on utilizing the village. Like you, I send my blurb out and allow my critique team to help me whip it into shape. And they really are so helpful. I’d be lost without them.
This team effort always reminds me of that scene from Cinderella where she waltzes out in her pretty pink dress and her step sisters rip it apart. “That’s my sash.” “Those are my pearls.” Lol The same thing happens when you set a blurb in the middle of a group of people. “Sounds great but…” Rip. Cut. Pull. Snap. Delete. All of a sudden you have ten sets of hands ripping it apart in a every direction. But thankfully, at the end of the day, Cinderella walks away with a lovely gown and glass slippers, and we walk away with perfection. 🙂
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I’d like to borrow this one: For Romance novels:
“If it looks like the two people on the cover fall in love, it’s because they do. Read the book to find out how and what their names are.” 🙂
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LOL Borrow away!! lol
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Not being an author I do not write a blurb. But I do find myself stressing over reviews I write at times. A.M., your third book is calling my name without a blurb. I want to complete the series for the Ancient Word series.
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I completely understand! I struggle to write reviews too, especially when the book is really good. I find it easier to find the words to critique a book, but I can only say, “This is the best book EVER,” in so many ways. Lol
Awww, thanks!! That means a lot to me.
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Hilarious!!!! I love this!
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Lol Thanks! No surprise, this post poured out in one sitting. My current blurb however…negative. 😉 Lol Somethings are just easier than others.
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Ha ha….this is hilarious, Anita, and so true! I dread writing the blurb every time, but my publisher makes me write it before we even start the editing process. That helps a little. lol
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Lol I’m glad you enjoyed it!
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Oh me that was fun to read!
You had me laughing. I have always wondered how y’all can put just a few words for the blurb and tell about the whole book.
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Lol I’m so glad you liked it! And now you know our little secret: we don’t do so well when it’s time to create the summary. NOT AT ALL. Lol
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